Finding Your Rainbow
Each year when the season start to shift to warm weather, blooming trees, and baby cows, I feel my emotions highten. Brady’s birthday is in May and May also happens to be my rainbow baby’s birthday. When I was very pregnant with Brady, I took daily walks with my then 1 year old past the baby cows to a small park by our house. On one of those walks a baby cow was laying very still and not moving, my heart sunk, and it gave me a slight panic wondering if it was a sign. I don’t know, maybe it was because a few short weeks later my baby Brady was born, and 5 short months later he was gone. I noticed the baby cows just this past Sunday and it doesn’t leave me sad anymore, it leaves me with hope.
There are many mixed reviews on the term “rainbow baby”. A rainbow baby is a baby born after a loss. I was part of a loss group that met monthly shortly after Brady died, I was only able to attend twice before the C word happened and the world shut down. In that group, a lot of moms didn’t like the term rainbow baby because they never wanted to label the baby they lost as a storm. I get this, it’s a super touchy subject and we all must grieve our way. I happen to love the term, and I am forever grateful for my rainbow just like they are forever grateful for the babies they had after loss. No matter if you like the term or not, there is something seriously special about a baby born after loss. That first smile, baby belly laugh, mama or dada hit differently and literally make your heart burst with happiness and cry tears of joy while you may secretly cry tears of sadness for what was lost when everyone goes to bed or when you’re alone in the car or shower.
I will never ever say Brady was a storm but the day to day life wondering what the next month, day, hour, minute would look like with nobody giving me any clue to the future- that was a freaking storm. Wondering if something would finally click and Brady could be a calm boy who would just need a little extra help in life, wondering if I would ever sleep again, wondering if this was how the most desired time of my life would end???- that was a storm.
My sister in law had this made for us.
Seriously, could this get any more special? My rainbow is wearing the sleeper Brady wore often and he’s wearing it in this picture.
I was dead set on having another baby from the moment Brady passed away. My husband needed time and I am forever grateful that he held his ground because truthfully, I needed that time too. When I wanted to get pregnant immediately, it was a coping mechanism, trying to re-create the life I thought I was getting. I couldn’t think straight and the only thing I thought would make me feel better was a different baby that I would get to keep.
In January, after Brady went to Heaven, we took a trip by ourselves to Mexico to reconnect. During that trip, he decided he wanted another baby too. Once he agreed- that’s when my panic really kicked in. Here I was getting what I wanted but I had never taken the time to consider what if it happens again? What if something else awful happens? Am I strong enough to handle whatever happens and is it worth all the stress? It was worth every bit of stress and thankfully our rainbow is here, healthy and thriving.
My Levi, my sunshine baby (baby born before a loss) is an IVF baby. We were able to freeze two embryos after we transferred Levi. We planned on using them for one more baby, but Brady decided to join our family all on his own. We used those embryos to get our rainbow baby. Our first transfer was early June 2020 which resulted in a miscarriage. After going through the loss of our 5-month-old baby I didn’t expect a miscarriage to hurt so bad, but it did. I was so angry that God would do this again. I was able to move forward faster because I was able to start trying again sooner but it was not easy. Now, looking back, I feel incredibly grateful that I have a photo of our baby that stayed only for a few weeks. Our second and last transfer was in September and that is now my rainbow, Logan.
Advanced Fertility Center in Gurnee IL.
Our little embryo that we never got to meet but we sure do love.
My pregnancy with Logan was… something else for sure. I had a ton of anxiety, and I was scared a lot of the time. We received many extra ultrasounds starting at the third trimester, partly because I was officially a geriatric mom but also because if microcephaly is spotted on an ultrasound, it’s generally not until the 3rd trimester. Here is part of a letter I wrote because of how awfully I was treated at one of these appointments.
My name is Mandy Gullicksen. I am writing to tell you about an experience I had at the Aurora Grafton Medical Center, Maternal Fetal Medicine suite 420 on March 9th 2021. My appointment time was 1:00 pm.
I never received a phone call, email or text reminder about this appointment. Last I heard, one visitor is allowed per patient, my husband was with me. This was not an ordinary appointment to me. This was my 28 week ultrasound that should have been filled with joy but for me it was just filled with anxiety. My last baby passed away at 5 months due to a severe neurological disorder that was never diagnosed during pregnancy. My last ultrasound with my sweet boy who passed was 20 weeks and all looked good, my 20 weeks with this current pregnancy also looked good.
When the tech, ****, called me my husband stayed in the chair in the waiting room and I simply asked if he could come back. She immediately took a yelling tone with me that my husband could hear and said no, its maternal fetal medicines policy that I go alone. I responded very calmly that I would ask my doctor if she could put it in with a different code because to me this was not a standard growth scan. She kept her loud yelling tone and said your doctor could put any order in and it would not matter. This was their policy-unless something abnormal is found you go alone. I said ok, I feel like you are yelling at me, you don’t have to be so sassy. By this time, I was on the table with gel on my stomach. She looked at me and said “I do not appreciate being called sassy, I’ve been doing this for a very long time and I’m probably older than you.” She again said this yelling at me. I looked at her name tag and said ****, I will be making a formal complaint about you. She then said “good, do it.” I couldn’t help myself, I called her a bitch under my breath but she heard me. She then left me alone in the room, just stormed out and said she didn’t have to deal with this. By this time, I was in tears, I called my husband who went to the front desk to inform them that his wife had just been left in a treatment room with gel all over her belly. Minutes later a nurse coordinator came in the room. She could clearly tell I was very upset. I assured her I wanted to continue to appointment but would strongly prefer a different tech, one with some compassion and empathy.
At this point Dr. M came in. I was still in tears and neither him nor the tech (the SAME tech) offered any words of comfort. He scanned my belly for maybe 3 seconds showed the brain, did not measure anything, and simply said all looks good for now. He then went on to tell me if they didn’t find anything at 20 weeks, they would not find it now. This is a flat out lie. I learned a lot with my son and typically late second early third trimester is when microcephaly is found. I even brought up a specific case to him and he would not listen to me. He just kept saying over and over, you can’t see everything on an ultrasound. (**Recently edited to remove names. Gave me slight anxiety but also grate gratification putting it all out there but that might be a tad too much.)
From this point on I only saw a different doctor and my husband was allowed in every single appointment. They never told me what happened and once my baby was born, they stopped checking on the situation. Do I feel bad for calling her a bitch, not a chance but I do wish I would have said something more impactful along the lines of “Have all of your patients lost their previous baby from a condition that can only be seen at 28 weeks or later?” That could have actually taught her something about compassion, but as most of you know by now my mouth is big and my passion is even bigger.
The nursery was another tough subject when it came to my pregnancy after loss. When Brady was still in my arms but no longer living, I had my cousin and sister-in-law take everything baby and toss it into his room. When it was time to go through it, that was hard. I had such mixed feelings. Do I give this new baby a new room? Just waste all the beautiful things we hung up for our Brady. Is it morbid to keep it the same? What if it happens again and I waste more money?- yes this is a thought all loss parents face. I kept tags on EVERYTHING this time around. I ultimately decided to only switch out a few things. I still get butterfly’s in that room and it’s been Logans room for nearly 3 years. The first time I sat in the rocking chair with my healthy baby is a feeling I’ll never forget. I’ve decided when it’s time to switch Logan to a big boy bed I’ll redecorate his room, but I doubt I’ll get rid of anything. It’s been 4.5 years since he passed away and I still can’t see myself parting with it. I have a chest in Logans room with things that use to be Brady’s making it still his room too.
I ended up being induced with Logan 10 days early. I said from the start of trying to get pregnant that I was going to get induced as soon as they would, which is generally a week. If I would have done that it would have been Brady’s birthday- crazy! My doctor was going to come in on a Saturday so I could avoid that. Brady and Logan had a plan. At my doctor’s appointment my blood pressure spiked- I never have high blood pressure and I ended up staying. Brady’s birthday is 5/21/19 and Logan’s is 5/19/21- Brady knew I needed my rainbow before his 2nd birthday.
The induction was rough because he was so early and I didn’t have it in me to help by walking. I loved birth before (weird I know) it’s just so magical. This time I didn’t have my play list; I was so quiet. I was just going through the motions. When he was born, I remember saying his head and had the nurse take him and then when she did I wanted him back. It was a crazy out of body experience. I started taking photos of his head immediately. Luckily, I did because God tossed us one more curve ball and Logan had sagittal craniosynostosis. His sagittal suture closed early; at 9 weeks he had a strip of bone removed from his skull. If this isn’t found early, doctors wait till the baby is older and have to remove and re-shape the skull. Both procedures go very well but I am forever grateful we got the non-invasive one. Logan had his follow up last week and he is doing perfectly. This is the same condition they checked Brady for initially, but it wasn’t the case. After Logan’s surgery, we ended up on the same floor where we stayed many nights with Brady at Children’s hospital. When we left the parking structure, Memories by Maroon 5 played, and all felt well.
Everything you do with a baby after loss is magical. Getting up in the middle of the night to feed them feels so right, you’re able to stop and just be present. You will look into their eyes and cry tears of joy, followed by tears of sadness, followed by tears of gratitude. It might not be for everyone and that’s perfectly ok too. That’s why taking some time is so crucial. You might decide your energy is better spent in other ways and realize your family is perfect just the way it is. You might want another baby and it doesn’t happen. If this is the case, I am so very sorry. This would be incredibly unfair and cruel.
Having a rainbow baby reminds me of just how precious this life is. It has helped me have faith in the world again. It has shown me just how big my heart can grow. That boy has helped heal my heart in the biggest ways. His smile lights up the room and I needed him. The road to him was not easy but he is my rainbow. He is my joy. He will never replace Brady and he will grow up knowing all about his big brother who also happens to be his guardian angel. The journey to get to your rainbow can be a storm but the beauty that comes from it is unexplainable, it’s pure magic. And remember, if you have to tell a few medical professionals to F off along the way, that’s ok.
My Rainbow
I didn’t want to do this photo shoot, but I am forever grateful I did. I love how my Brady Wynn tattoo shows in the bottom picture. Having that tattoo makes me feel that Brady is still everywhere I go and in every picture.
You are braver than you know and worthy of everything you want in this life.
With so much love,
Mandy (Brady’s mama)