Who is Brady’s Mama

Brady Wynn Blog #1: intro to Brady’s mama and the vision behind her mission

My name is Mandy.

I am a wife to a wonderfully supportive husband named Brian. I have a heart of gold with a big side of sass and although I am not proud of it, I have quite the mouth- I blame my passion- but I am working on this.  I am a mama to 4 beautiful boys, 3 who live with me on this Earth and one who soars above me in Heaven.  That angel is the reason I am here writing this, making this foundation happen and who is truly helping me find purpose in this life. 

My husband Brian and I at our diaper raffle at Sahale Ale works, 4/22/2023.

This blog may cover many difficult and uplifting topics including bereavement, experience of death, fundraising, our events, charitable work, research in neurological advancements, stories of triumph, infants with neurological disorders, rainbow babies, as well as poems, prayers, grief, faith and whatever else I run into during this life.  This is my personal experience and I need to be honest about my feelings to show true human emotion to sensitive subjects.  My posts may sometimes be difficult to read, grief is a sticky subject and I will not hold back.  It is never my intention to upset others but to help others and myself feel less alone.

Nights were so very long but I wouldn’t do to get just one more.

First night home from a hospital stay where we decided to try an NG tube to see if that would help our little warrior get stronger.

I started my role as a mom in 2008 at the age of 22, best surprise of my lifetime.  I am still close with my son’s father and his wife; you will usually find them at our BWF events as they are some of our biggest groupies and supporters.  My husband and I got married in 2014 and suffered infertility for many years.  In 2017 we started the IVF process and were lucky our first transfer worked resulting in our now 5-year-old.   I am an IVF mama, I am an infant loss mama, and I am a mom who has suffered a miscarriage. I was a special needs mom for way too short, 166 days to be exact and I never felt more alone in my life than during that time. I want to help parents know their feelings and the rollercoaster of emotions that come along with the unfairness of these realities are valid.

Beautiful Embryo

My 5 year old was our first embryo. We froze 2, miscarried one of them in June 2020 and the 3rd is my rainbow Logan. Logan was frozen from May 2017 until September 2020. Wild!

All of those bad boys made it into my butt cheeks and helped create my Beautiful Logan.

Pretty sure I will have a partial numb butt cheek forever because I did this not once but twice… and a few weeks for the one we lost. 100% worth it and would do it again in a heart beat. Rolling pin, an ice pack, and a walk will be your best friend. seriously- email if you ever need advice on the dreaded progesterone in oil daily shots.

I have been a massage therapist since 2005 and have a huge passion for all things healthy, exercise, helping people, natural remedies, manifesting the most beautiful life you can imagine, and advocating for women and their babies.  I believe so much in the power of touch and how it is so healing to the mind, body, and soul.  I recently closed my massage therapy practice I opened in 2015 because I feel the need to follow my dream and make this foundation my focus. I am forever working on boundaries- imagine a world where everyone could just say no. Why do something that is going to make you miserable to appease someone else? ha- if only it was that easy.

I am a volunteer for the Finley Project- an amazing resource for loss mamas.  The Finley Project was founded to care for mothers who have experienced the unimaginable-the loss of an infant. My “support person” was my lifeline after Brady passed and we still stay in touch to this day and I now get to be a support person for other mothers experiencing infant loss.

This was taken on one of Brady’s final days. He threw up his feeding tube on his own so we didn’t have to make that God awful decision.

When Brady was born on May 21, 2019, I thought all was well.  I quickly discovered it wasn’t.  I went from being so excited to start this chapter of being a family of 5 to breaking down in tears when my husband would leave for work because I was so broken from Brady crying ALL. DAY. LONG.  I felt like such a failure as a mom. I dreamed of having my two littles so close in age, I got my wish, and I couldn’t do it. Brady was a natural surprise after our IVF baby.  Levi and Brady were 16 months apart. After we learned of his complexity, I tried to be gentler with myself, but it was still hard. Surviving off coffee and adrenaline. Brady’s sleep was a big problem.  Through much of his short life, Brady would cry uncontrollably and sleep from exhaustion and repeat.  His body metabolized meds incredibly quick so we would find something would help calm him and 3 days later we were back to square one.   Brian and I would take turns staying up with him all night, switching at 5 am so the other could grab a couple hours of sleep.  I constantly wondered if it was something I did.  I have finally (most of the time) come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t me; I wasn’t being punished for something I had done, shitty things just happen sometimes. (there’s that mouth I was speaking of)

Brady passed away on November 3rd 2019, after 10 days on hospice where we could fully love on him and make as many memories as we could while he was calm and comfortable. He was wrapped tightly in both my and my husbands arms.

Sky as Brady was heading to Heaven

My sweet cousin who was so close with Brady captured this picture as Brian and I were crying our final good byes. The sky opened up to welcome that perfect little angel.

When Brady passed away, my life was forever marked by a before and an after.  I lost my innocence about the world, pregnancy, and birth. I didn’t know anxiety, trauma or how much of a huge impact that all has on daily life. It took me a long time to stop being angry but eventually I did. Hearing a new baby cry still gets to me but I am now able to enjoy babies and pregnant people again. (thank you Logan) I still have to constantly remind myself that not all bad situations end with the worst-case scenario.  It is a learning game every single day.  Most days are good but sometimes I get pulled under and find it difficult to catch my breath.  That’s grief though, and love.

“Grief, I’ve learned is really just love.  It’s all the love you want to give but cannot.  All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest.  Grief is just love with no place to go” – Jamie Anderson

The Christmas after Brady passed away, we bought presents for a little girl.  Doing that lit a fire inside my heart I didn’t know existed and from that moment on, I knew something really big was going to come out of this.

Oh, sweet boy, how I miss you so.

Before the NG tube it took a long time for Brady to finish a bottle and so much effort. We would support his jaw and hold it forward to help him.

I am pouring my love and passion into this foundation because I know firsthand how much of a struggle daily things are when you feel like your entire life just got turned upside down.  Not only do we provide necessities, but our goal is also to build a supportive, safe community where parents can connect with one another.  Finding someone who understands your feelings, someone who will listen and not judge when your day is just plain awful and help cheer when a milestone is achieved is HUGE! Brady’s pediatrician connected me with a mom and she saved me so many times. I want that for every family.  Taking help or showing emotion doesn’t make you weak, it makes you so, SO strong!

I am currently working on finding my emotion, I feel I turned it off for so long because it was easier. I recently started therapy and plan on doing some EMDR work to help me fully process all the trauma I have endured, plus I REALLY enjoy talking so it’s a win win for me.

I was blessed with my amazing rainbow baby in May 2021.  Brady’s birthday is 5/21/19 and Logan’s is 5/19/21- wild! I owe so much to my sweet Logan Jace- Jace means healer and Logans job was never to heal us, but holy smokes did that baby help my healing process. I’m not sure I would have ever looked at a baby the same way again and then I’d be truly missing out because babies are simply amazing. A rainbow baby doesn’t replace a baby but reminds you good does exist and just how big your heart can grow.

 I support you, I am here for you, I am rooting for you!

Look at that sweet little baby face. Thank you sweet boy for helping me find my purpose in this life, I wish you didn’t have to leave for me to find it. I know you are looking down on us every day. I will live my life forever for the two of us and promise to make you proud.

xo, mama