The Importance of Boundaries
Oh boundaries. How simple they seem but so hard they are to achieve.
“Healthy boundaries are not walls. They are gates and fences that allow you to enjoy the beauty of your own garden.” - Lydia Hall
Boundaries. Are. Huge. Every single person can benefit from setting boundaries that align with who they are and who they strive to be. Think of how pleasant this world would be if everyone wasn’t constantly rushing around, burnt out and trying to please everyone… everyone except themselves. Ahh. It would be so magical.
We often talk to ourselves in ways we would never speak to someone else. Next time you’re struggling with something ask yourself “What advice would I give my best friend if she was struggling with this exact same thing?” Take that advice and stop saying the hurtful things you may be saying inside your head. Why are we as humans so hard on ourselves? The biggest gift we can give is to love ourselves, forgive ourselves and realize that our wants and needs are just as important as everyone else’s.
“Boundaries : The key to confidence, calm and self-control. - Rokelle Lerner
Boundaries are not only good for the person who sets them, but they are good for everyone around them as well. Try to picture the life you want to live. Think of your core values. Remember how you want your children to be raised or how much overtime you’re willing to do. Write it all down. Create that “perfect” life on paper. Read this every morning or every night and embrace how it good it feels. Now, write down what you do on a daily basis. Compare the two and see what can change and when. These little changes become your boundaries. And these little switches will change your life and help you find your happiness. When you’re happy, you will without even trying, make the world a happier place.
“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.”- Brene Brown
If you are forced to spend time or share space with someone who sucks your energy at a high rate at some point you may snap- its normal to lose your shit once in a while… I hope. Setting a time limit you can be around that energy sucker is a great personal boundary. This will help you manage your time and patience and could save you from saying something you may regret. Practice sticking up for yourself in a matter-of-fact way that doesn’t leave space for more questions. Have simple direct answers ready. Talk with your spouse, family members, friend and come up with a plan and if necessary, have an early exit plan as well. By avoiding all conflict and not setting limits we choose long-term unhappiness instead of short-term discomfort. Maybe it’s easier to go visit the “energy sucker” at their home so you can leave. Maybe having them by you is ideal so you have your bedroom or bathroom to retreat.
No truer words were ever said, ever.
Holidays can be a busy, fun, joyful time or they can be a total energy sucker. Remember, you do not have to attend everything. For me getting our Christmas tree, Christmas movie night with my older kids, and seeing Santa are the must do’s. Anything extra is a bonus. I even stopped sending Christmas cards. They are incredibly fun to receive but after Brady passed away I just stopped and now I can’t go back.
Boundaries can do amazing things for work life. I was a massage therapist for nearly 20 years. I ran my own business for 8 years and at one point even had 3 employees. I still somehow managed to over book myself constantly. I hated turning away new clients and I felt awful if I didn’t have time for my regular clients. My back, arms, body hurt so bad I would be useless once I got home. But, that darn mom guilt would hit me because I felt I still needed to help with dinner, bath, and bedtime. Something was not working because I was not happy. I started to go through my calendar 1-2 weeks ahead of time and slowly started sticking breaks in where people would cancel. I looked ahead 4-6 weeks and started sticking notes in for myself Break-do not book!! During those break times I would take a walk, read a book, do some continuing education and do you know what happened? I started loving my job again. I had energy at the end of the day for my family again too. If you schedule meetings during your lunch time, can you stop? Can you take a walk instead or do something for you? I understand that some may not have flexibility when it comes to work but there has to be some time for you.
“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”- Brene Brown
Boundaries help at home to divide housework with play time. I want to devote time to my children giving them my entire focus. I also run a non-profit, enjoy a clean home and like most, have a billion places I need to be and a mile long to do list. Setting an alarm for even 20 minutes helps me get on the floor and just play with my kids. It makes it so enjoyable because I know after I can give my 2-year-old my swifter while I vacuum, and I don’t have to feel bad at the end of the day thinking I didn’t devote any time to just play with him.
Do you find yourself scrolling aimlessly on social media for way too long? Did you know you can set time limits right on your phone? My daily limit for facebook and Instagram is 45 minutes. Those are the only social apps I have. Doing that alone has helped me cut my screen time and be happier.
After we had our rainbow baby I wouldn’t allow visitors for 2 weeks, (2 weeks is when we found out about Brady), besides my mom and my cousin. My mom and husband told everyone else we would let them know when we were ready for visitors. The Covid rule about no visitors at the hospital was genius and probably the only thing I liked. My family is complete but if it wasn’t I’d keep that as a boundary too.
My rainbow baby. And the one who helped me find my boundaries.
We often feel guilty about setting boundaries and what that tells us is that other people’s happiness is more important than your own- which is BS.
“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how to use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.”-Anna Taylor
Late in 2022 I realized my true passion, building this foundation and I owed it to myself and my Brady to see what would happen if I put all my energy there. It was a difficult choice, but something had to go. I couldn’t run my massage business, keep the non-profit going and be the mom I want to be. I closed my massage business end of June 2023. That too was a boundary. All the work I did on myself in the past few years helped me with this decision. The book Setting Boundaries will Set You Free by Nancy Levin is an amazing resource.
This book is fantastic.
Every time you choose “you”, it will get easier. Every time you say “no” to something you really do not want to do it will get easier. My word for 2023 was calm and I am happy to say I found it. It took the entire first half, if not more, of the year to find but I got there. Not all the time but a lot of the time. Go for it, set some boundaries and find the calm you want and deserve. I’m here cheering for you the entire way.
The sound of water.
Always makes me find my calm.
You are stronger than you think, and braver than you know.
XO, Mandy