How to Protect Yourself During the Holidays Following Loss

Holidays.  How can something that’s supposed to be filled with such joy and magic fill some with mad, crippling anxiety and sadness. Social media and the pressure to have a “picture perfect holiday” that’s how.

In this blog, I am going to share what I wish I would have known for my first holiday season after losing Brady. Every person grieves differently so this might sound awful to some. I will say, I do enjoy holidays again, they are different but they are good and full of joy and laughter. You too will find joy again, in your own way, in your own time.

Christmas 2018

We announced our Brady with Santa and by the following Christmas he was gone. What a difference a year can make.

Christmas 2019

We were suppose to have three children, we now have four children, one just soars high above us.

My first holiday after Brady passed away was Thanksgiving.  We always host and we did host.  I was still in the distract, distract, distract phase of grief so keeping busy was good. To be honest, Thanksgiving all in all went well.  Where I went wrong was going on social media after everyone left.  I saw a pregnancy announcement, this spun me out and put me right back into my anger, hating everyone who was pregnant or might get pregnant soon state of grief- that’s just a downright miserable place to be BTW.

Thanksgiving 2019

My wonderfully supportive family.

Do yourself a favor and stay off social media surrounding holidays- especially the first ones. See what feelings you have and sit with them. In your mind, nobody else is dealing with the hurt you are experiencing and nobody else will think before they post- your truest friends and family won’t care if you aren’t online seeing or posting perfect pictures.  People always announce happy, joyful things on supposedly happy joyful days.  They aren’t doing it to hurt you-I promise- they don’t even realize its hurtful to you, save yourself the heart ache and give up social media for the holidays, around birthdays and D days (become an angel day) especially the first year.

Christmas 2020

Mr. Brady is on the tree, included in the picture of course.

That first Christmas wasn’t great- it was HARD! I made the mistake of going into Brady’s room.  While Brady was no longer with us, but his body was still in my arms, I had my cousin and SIL take everything baby and put it in his room and close the door. I hadn’t opened that door since and on Christmas I needed batteries. I am a very impatient person so instead of waiting or going to a store I went to that room and took the batteries from a little machine that made noise on his crib.  That was a big mistake.  I thought I could handle it, but I could not.  The room was cold and a mess of baby stuff that was my precious Brady’s, was scattered everywhere.  Don’t do things for the first time on days that are already emotionally exhausting and difficult. That little sound machine is still in the same room without batteries to this day and it’s now Logans room.

Christmas 2021

Mr. Logan joined us in 2021 and made my heart grow bigger than I thought possible.

On Christmas 2019, I ended up on a family text that showed all the families with all their children. Super fun, innocent Christmas message … until it’s not.  My cousin had a baby on Brady’s due date, 3 days after Brady was born.  I so wanted these cousins to grow up close, but my baby died and seeing the picture on that day right after leaving the empty room to get batteries did me in.  I immediately text my mom to get me off that message.  Now let me be real- I am in no way mad at my family and I am so happy my cousin has a healthy baby girl (now two baby girls) but in that moment I felt that nobody considered my feelings.  I was less than 2 months from my baby dying and I figured they would know better.  Here’s the thing- they don’t.  Nobody knows what it feels like to be in your shoes. 

My advice is to be open and honest about your feelings before you get to the day.  Have a safe person who knows your feelings and can prepare things for you as you go or before you get there.  My mom, cousin and husband do a good job of this for me now but that day I wasn’t prepared.  Think about what would make you happy.  Do you want a picture of your baby out? Do you want their name mentioned or do you want to keep them to yourselves because it will be too hard? Decide how you want people to handle the situation and have your safe person deliver the instructions.  More than likely your family will be happy to know how to go about this as they are probably wanting to make things as easy as they can for you.

I didn’t want to go to Christmas at my family’s house, but I was told I would because of my other children.  I’m honestly not sure if I am happy I went or not. Again, I know my family was trying to help and they are not some evil people who are out to hurt me, they are the opposite actually, but this was a first for everyone.  While there I had to excuse myself to go cry multiple times.  I DO NOT cry (I’m working on it), and I definitely don’t cry in front of people. I had to go hide and they had to let me be- safety person can guard the door and tell people to kindly buzz off. I didn’t know if I wanted a picture of Brady out (it was) and I didn’t know if I’d be mad if nobody included him (most likely YES).  There was zero winning for anyone that day.  If you want to skip-SKIP!  You don’t have to decide till it’s time to leave or you can change your mind as you’re walking to the car.  You can walk in and walk right back out.  You do what is right for you and they will understand. If they don’t, that’s not on you. 

Christmas 2022

My oldest does have those pajama pants he just wasn’t in his pj’s yet.

Maybe being surrounded by love and family is what your heart needs.  You might feel most comfortable not changing a thing and doing what you always do. My husband is more extroverted than I am and being surrounded by family and friends makes him happiest.   I am more introverted than I ever knew and being alone fills me up, I need some connection in my life, just not constantly. My best advice is to have a plan.  Know you can change that plan any time but having it will make things seem less stressful and more doable.

Christmas took me by surprise at how hard it was, I know birthdays and d days, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day will be rough but Christman and things like my other children’s birthdays and even my own birthday took my breath away that first year and now I have a plan. Plan, plan, plan no matter how simple it is, it helps.

New years is also very strange to me.  The first one I couldn’t comprehend leaving the year my baby was born, it felt like I was leaving him behind. Time is a crazy concept when the world keeps turning even though the life you knew, the life of your baby is forever gone.  At the same time, I wanted time to move so I could feel better, and the hurt wouldn’t be as fresh.  The weeks surrounding the holidays are always a blur and no one really knows what day it is but exiting a year that you were supposed to have another family member is just unfair and awful.

Every time our whole family is together, it’s a reminder that someone is missing and always will be.

 “Somewhere in the middle of our happy moments, we all sigh a little, in the memory of someone we miss”-Suprita Sengupta

I look for signs and I always get them to know he’s close, but I just want to be able to scoop him up and give him a big hug.  See who he looks like now that he should be four.  Make him hot coco when he comes in with his brothers after making snow forts and kiss his knee when he falls off his scooter.

Once you get through that first year, get past all the holidays, you’ll know they will always be a little tough but that you can make it through.  Holidays are now forever bittersweet, but you did it and you’ll do it again.  You’ll find ways to honor your baby and new traditions will emerge. You will find joy, happiness and even the holiday cheer once again.

Brady Boo

I buy a new Brady ornament every year. That first Christmas we received so many and then it stopped, which makes sense. I decided to keep it going. Someday when my living children move out and take their childhood ornaments with them, we can divide our Brady Boo ornaments too and he can live on forever on Christmas tree after Christmas tree.

The first time I felt gratitude after Brady passed away was buying gifts for a little girl.  I reached out and found an organization and was given a list for a 2 year old. This was also the first time I stepped anywhere near the baby section at Target. This was about a month after Brady died so it was incredibly fresh.  Turning in those presents ignited a fire inside me that hasn’t been put out and I hope never will.  From that feeling I knew something big was coming in honor of that baby and behold,  Brady Wynn Foundation. If you can, donate something in memory of your baby/child.  Grab an ornament from a local church, reach out to a local shelter, donate old towels to the humane society or donate your time and snuggle those babies at a hospital or animals at a shelter that need extra love.  Give yourself time for the baby part.  Brady would 4 and I am finally at a place where doing this is on my to-do list.

I notice when my mood changes and anxiety spikes every year around late march (spring- Brady’s b day) and late October (d day and holidays).  You too will learn these signs.  This is when you pick up the self-care. Baths, journaling, yoga, walks, coffee, books, exercise, whatever brings you joy – do more of it.

Life is rough, holidays can be hard but you, my friend are AMAZING.

With so much love,

Mandy (Brady’s mama)