Finding Yourself After Loss
This blog post was written with the loss mama in mind, however, can be useful to anyone who has experienced life circumstances that caused your entire way of living, your entire world, yourself, to change. I do reference God so if that’s not your thing this may not be the blog for you. My spirituality helped tremendously on this journey. I am not a pusher of beliefs; you have to find what works for you.
The world is still a beautiful place, we just have to be present enough to notice.
This loss you have endured is going to change you. There is zero possible way for you to look at this world the same way ever again. You have lost your innocence. Your innocence to pregnancy, babies, and that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. In fact, many sayings “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”, “everything happens for a reason”, or “they are in a better place”, are all kinda bull shit now.
Things you complained about or took for granted seem so silly and mean so much because you understand how unfairly short and fragile life can be. Give yourself time, grace and more time. Eventually, you will see there can be beauty in all of this. You will pick up the pieces and start this new way of life as a loss mom, bevered mom, broken mom. You will find beauty in almost anything. This can be a powerful gift, a gift you’d give back in a second if you could have your baby back. Unfortunately, that isn’t how this works. You are a part of the club nobody wants to be a part of, loss parent club and there is no return policy.
When you feel ready to start picking up the pieces, know they won’t go back the same way. You will become whole again, but the pieces won’t fit perfectly because of all the growing you are going to do. When ready to heal, I highly suggest the book “The Magic”. This book was magic to me. I followed the steps and I started to feel like “me” again, only a better version than I thought possible. This book helped me learn to really love myself. It taught me to have faith in the Universe again. It helped me find my true self which alone has been a huge gift. This book is about the law of attraction. Law of attraction can be incredibly tricky when dealing with such a loss so make sure you are really ready, if you start and you’re not, just stop. Give yourself more time and try again if or when you feel ready. Law of attraction says our thoughts become our reality… then why the F did my baby die? This book also states everyone, including our babies, made a choice before we were ever physically on this earth and that we never actually leave because we are all energy and energy always is. Our babies/children came here and did their job so quickly and went “home”. I had coffee with a dear friend today and she said something so powerful to me. Our children are God’s children. They are ours to love and guide while here but ultimately we all go “home”. Faith is very important to navigate this traumatic loss. You may believe in God, a higher power, The Universe but I believe you need something to hold onto. Something to give you hope that there is a better place and when it’s our turn to go there, we get to see our loved ones again.
The Secret, is based off the law attraction, how we can create the life we want to live.
I’ve read the first 2, hoping to get to the third soon. *Started the third one. So far LOVEing it.
God got a lot of my anger. I was so mad at everything after Brady died. I would literally flip off the sky. I shared my anger with my pastor at the time (not the flipping off part) and she assured me God could handle it and he was mad too. You were not put in this situation as some sort of gross punishment for some past mistake. God didn’t look down from his mighty cloud, find you and say “that looks like a strong one, I’m going to mess with her”. Absolute awful things just happen sometimes for no apparent reason at all. Having a safe place to send anger is a wonderful way for you to release some of your emotion. Sending it above can be a better choice instead of releasing it onto your partner or other close person in your life. And slowly your anger will lessen.
Grief, as you probably already know, comes in waves. At first, you’re sinking, can’t touch the bottom, fighting for every single breath of air. Then, in your own time you begin to feel the bottom. You can breathe again. Waves still come but not everyone takes you back under. The waves come further apart, and you start to find joy again and then BAMB a big one comes and takes your breath away. Sometimes, these waves are predictable like a birthday or holiday and other times it is completely random. A song, a baby crying in a store, anything can cause a wave. You begin to realize that you always recover and knowing that allows you to react and feel the “grief burst” but lets you move through it faster because you know what to expect. You know how truly strong you are, and you know these “bursts” are only possible because of the deep, deep love you have for your baby.
If it feels right, start a journal. Write anything about how you feel, this could be a useful tool at identifying potential waves. Exercise, you have heard me talk about exercise SO much, but it really helps reduce anxiety, depression and anger. Get outside. Stress is relieved within minutes of exposure to nature as measured by muscle tension, blood pressure, and brain activity. Time in green spaces reduces your cortisol, which is a stress hormone. Nature also boosts endorphin levels and dopamine production. https://www.ontarioparks.com/parksblog/mental-health-benefits-outdoors/#:~:text=Stress%20is%20relieved%20within%20minutes,dopamine%20production%2C%20which%20promotes%20happiness.
Nature, one the BEST forms of medicine.
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Do something for you every single day. This can be tiny. Take 10 minutes to read an inspirational book. Have that podcast ready for your drive to work, stop and treat yourself to a coffee or tea.
You can turn this horrific loss into something better and live extra hard for that little love who left way too early. Your entire view on life has now been changed and you can see the good in little things and appreciate how beautiful the sky is or just how good ice cream can taste. This is the gift we get for enduring something so devastating. This is the gift our loves left us, and this is the gift we get for loving so hard. I encourage you to do something amazing with it.
You got this, mama.
Lets bring back the joy.
The Dear Gabby podcast has some very powerful episodes about connecting with our angles. Angels, Guides and the Afterlife Episode #125 released 3/20/2023. I’ve listened to this one twice, it rocks my brain every time. If you listen to it, I would love to hear your thoughts on what is shared.
As always, you are strong, you are loved, and you are amazing.
XO, Mandy (Brady’s mama)