It’s Not Your Fault
I originally wanted this blog to be about gratitude. I have felt so much gratitude this year but for some reason today, I am not feeling it. This blog, instead, is going to be about forgiveness- forgiving yourself- and realizing this is not your fault. The “this” I am referring to is the untimely death of a loved one. The book I am going to reference the most in this blog shares a lot about the afterlife and death. She talks about death of a young child, death of a young partner by heart attack, she talks about suicide and the death of a teenager by overdose. If anyone has lost someone and felt any amount of guilt, felt there was something you could have done to change the outcome, this book, What’s your heaven, 7 lessons to heal the past and live fully now, by Rebecca Rosen, might be helpful for you.
“Be the light you want to attract, and darkness will have no spell over you. Darkness is despelled by light.”
I am very much aware that my blogs will not resonate with most people, we each have different beliefs and different ways of processing our trauma. I am going to share some books and helpful things that I used to dig myself out from the dark cloud of depression. I don’t expect everyone to find this helpful, but if I can help one person that’s all I need.
My sweet boy.
The guilt that hit me after Brady passed away was enough to nearly break me. I didn’t sleep, I constantly played different scenario’s inside my head over and over and over again. I was zoned out to everything. I was numb. Do you know what this got me? Stomach issues, deep chronic pain because my body absorbed my feelings, and a whole bunch of unneeded, unnecessary anxiety. Do you know that our body’s hold onto our trauma? They bury it deep down inside of us as a constant pain. It can be back pain that has no reason to be there, stomach issues (anxiety poops anyone?), migraines, or for me it was tailbone pain, it still comes and goes. I think mine went there because I still wonder if labor had anything to do with my Brady’s brain. A book on my 2024 list is “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD. A key phrase from this book is “For real change to take place, the body needs to learn that the danger has passed and to live in the reality of the present”. When we are traumatized, we still continue living our life as though the trauma is present, and every new event or encounter is contaminated by the past. This could be why when the worst thing imaginable has happened, we think of every worst-case scenario as an option. I want to get past this and be able to live freely again, hoping this book can help me get there.
On our 3rd night at Children’s Hospital with Brady, during that visit that changed our lives forever, I woke up in a panic thinking of anything and everything I could have done to cause this to happen to my precious baby boy. I was so overly careful with Levi; he was an IVF baby, we tried for over 3 years to have him. Brady just happened so easily when Levi was 7 months old with out trying. I know now it was nothing I did but I woke up or laid awake for months questioning everything. During the day I was messaging his pediatrician and my ob, anyone who could possibly offer me any insight.
Brady Wynn
The day we decided to take him to Childrens Hospital in Milwaukee. This is how Brady would lay to get comfortable. We didn’t know then, but this is very typical of neurological conditions.
Brady was tested for all infectious diseases and every other test imaginable that could have caused this. We did whole genome sequencing and the only that came up were a couple Variants of Unknown Significance. Everyone has these, a change is a gene’s DNA sequence that has an unknown effect on a person’s health. I went through those documents over and over as well and came up with so many of my own conclusions- none which had any scientific evidence because clearly the genetics doctor was not withholding information. Every doctor was stumped by our baby, so perfect in every way, except for his brain.
Brady Wynn
This was taken at our first Children’s Hospital stay during Brady’s EEG to monitor brain activity.
This is a very normal part of grieving but if I can help you move past this portion a little faster, I will be happy. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You didn’t do this. You are not being punished for anything you did in the past. God didn’t pick you because you are strong enough to handle this (you are strong enough to handle this). Unfortunately, horrible, awful things just happen sometimes for absolutely no rhyme or reason… or so we think and it’s totally unfair.
I have done so much work on myself and doing this work has brought me in alignment with my true self. I have read so many books trying to make sense of this. In the beginning if anyone told me everything happens for a reason, I HATED them, hated them. Now remember, my Brady passed away 11/3/2019, it’s now February 8th 2024. I have had a lot of time to move through the steps of grief and I have managed to accept what has happened. I am even finding beauty in it at times. This will be a lifelong lesson on forgiveness, empathy, and acceptance that I must face every day. Brady taught me to care for others, to support others when they need it most and although I was always a believer in something greater (to me God), I am now more connected than ever, and I don’t go to church. I am open to finding a church that aligns with me and my beliefs I just haven’t put much effort into finding one yet- I blame hockey.
Therapy helps me let go of the guilt. I don’t only have guilt over Brady but during that time it was the heaviest. I felt like I was completely failing my other boys, my husband, everyone and everything. I still battle with guilt that I choose to work and don’t stay home with my kids, I have guilt that I’ve been on my phone too much instead of playing on days that just seem to last forever. I have guilt for things I say or do or the 10 million other things that dawn on me right as I want to go to bed at night. My therapist helps me focus on the truth. I am a good mother, or I wouldn’t question it so much. That quality time with my kids matters more than the amount of time. (I do spend a ton of time with my kids and I am incredibly lucky that I have the flexibility to volunteer at school and attend nearly everything- the fact that I feel I need to defend that statement says it all, eye roll here.) Mom’s are way too hard on themselves and I am a prime example. I’ve had a lot of trauma and therapy helps me process it.
A mama’s love
If love could have saved him, he would have lived forever.
I’m going to quote a portion of Rebecca Rosen’s book:” What’s Your Heaven?” Rebecca is a psychic medium.
Making sense of tragedy- I have worked with many parents who have lost children- in pregnancy, infanthood, childhood, and early adulthood- and in my opinion, this is the greatest loss one can experience, and my thoughts, prayers, love, and light go out to those who have lost children. And yet again what Spirit has shown me is a “line out the door” of selfless souls who choose to incarnate to help the people around them learn something very specific, like the importance of letting go and forgiving, or to assist them in finding their faith and connection to Spirit, and once their assignment is complete, they return back “home”. For grieving individuals and families who have lost a child and are feeling pain please know that your child is not in pain. Their soul lives on. What I’ve come to understand is that these “volunteers” have been here before- many times, even- and have already passed their own life lessons, and because of this they can afford to sacrifice this life for the express purpose of serving others. From a human perspective it might seem unthinkable that anyone would assist in what may seem like a needless tragedy, but these advanced souls regard it as a privilege to act in service to others. The advanced soul who signs up to exit this world suddenly, tragically, or at a young age knows ahead of time that their death will serve as an opportunity for their surviving loved ones to learn and evolve.
Rebecca Rosen
Psychic medium, Rebecca Rosen’s, down to earth style has led to national media appearances on Entertainment Tonight, Extra, Nightline and Rachel Ray, a monthly column on Oprah.com, and a series of highly popular workshops and seminars across the country.
Wow. Again, if someone shared this with me shortly after Brady’s passed away, I probably would have told them to F off. But now, this brings me so much comfort. If I can believe that my Brady got to live his full, beautiful life, it is easier to accept the fact that he didn’t get to stay here with me, in physical human form. I take comfort in knowing he’s here with me, guiding me through this life. Brady handpicked me to be his mama to share some lessons with me, Brian, my other babies, my family, my friends, and you reading this. He sees the potential in all of us and decided to come back for us, to teach us something I may not have fully figured out yet, but I am open to it and I am open to him.
This book shares how loved ones communicate with us. Does a certain song remind you of your lost loved one? Do you ever think of that song and then it comes on next? That’s not a coincidence. Signs generally come when we need them most. We have to try to understand that every death has the potential to create profound transformation for the living, given those left behind choose to learn from the experience and allow it to shift their own energy up toward the higher vibration of love. (pg. 94 What’s Your Heaven) This does not mean that some days my grief still doesn’t pull me under. Every day I think about Brady, multiple times every single day. That will never stop, and I will never stop picturing what life would be with him here. He is a part of me, and I so badly wish I got know him more, spend more time snuggling on that sweet boy but I can take comfort in knowing he was held for 99.9% of the time he shared here with us, he knew true, unconditional love, and although I can’t physically hold him, I know he’s close.
Brady Wynn
The sweetest boy, changing the world for the better.
We all have a choice to make after loss, do we let it bring us down to live a life of fear forever or do we lift ourselves up and strive to be the best dang version of ourselves? Do we choose to live in memory because of this person and do good or do nothing and live a miserable life? Our loved ones who left want us to live up to our potential. It is a birth right to enjoy our lives and find happiness and joy. Be the light. Find the light and spread the light.
As always you are loved, you are important, and you are meant for this beautiful crazy thing called life.
XO, Mandy Brady’s mama