They are ALWAYS With You
Blog 3 They are always with you
As Brady was dying in my arms, I was telling him how much I love him and that it was ok and he had the best people waiting for him. I also kept asking for a sign. A sign he would send me, so I’d know he made it to Heaven, and all was ok. I couldn’t think of it. I literally had 10 days of him on hospice and there in that moment, I had nothing. Shortly after it happened, I whispered hearts… and a rainbow.
I kept the dates on these photos to show how the sky opened up on Brady’s D day.
Incredible.
A few weeks after Brady passed away I was walking in a park with Levi and two of our friends. The sky was this magnificent deep purple pink, it was beyond beautiful. I had this feeling it was for me from Brady. I even said to my friend, “I have this strange feeling Brady is here with us right now”. I felt this vibration inside of me and said in my head alrighty Brady Boo this is it, you made it. I don’t need a rainbow. I turned around and there in Wisconsin in the middle of November was the biggest rainbow. The 5 months Brady lived there were countless rainbows, more than I ever remember and I know those were from my grandma making sure I was ok. I truly believe everyone needs faith in their life. I’m never a pusher of it but all the super motivational books I read all have one thing in common. Having a God or believing in the Universe or a knowing that there is something out there much bigger than all of us. My relationship with God has deepened immensely and I actually left my church. Our favorite pastor left and we just didn’t go back. We are not actively looking for another but are open to it if we find the right one. I feel so much closer to everything up there because my baby is up there. Without faith I’m not sure I would have made it through this, honestly.
This sky 11/24/2019, I looked it up.
This sky made me know all was ok. My Brady Boo made it to heaven.
The rainbow that was waiting for me.
I have a few songs that remind me of my baby. Memories by Maroon 5 (this is Wesley’s favorite), Like I’m Gonna Lose You by Jasmine Thompson and A Million Dreams by Pink to name a few. I was holding Brady while some music awards were on, and Pink performed A Million Dreams- as holding my baby who was still living I knew I’d play it at whatever type of funeral we decided to do. One day while at work, right before or right after his celebration of life, time seemed too unreal at that time to really know, I was walking in to give a massage and I ducked because of a light. It was the most random reflex. I said in my head “Brady boo if that was you give me a sign”. I kid you not the very next song played from my pandora was Pink A Million Dreams in a version by the Piano Guys I had never ever heard. I nearly stopped the massage and was so close to falling over. I was tearing up- ha! lets be real, tears were rolling down my face. I still remember who that client is and probably always will. I have messaged Pink on Instagram to let her know the importance of her to my life and as of today- I am still waiting. I did make it to her concert though and it was amazing so I’m still holding out hope.
Whenever we are playing outside and those little cotton things blow by, that’s my Brady. They follow us to parks, to Brewers games, EVERYWHERE. Birds linger longer and I find hearts whenever I need them most.
On Levi’s 3rd birthday, Brian went and picked up doughnuts, on Levi’s there was one heart sprinkle. The morning my IVF treatments started for our rainbow baby my coffee mug had a perfect heart at the bottom of it.
Brady wishing Levi a happy birthday!
Brady telling his mama all is good.
During my prenatal visits with Logan I was always extra nervous. Brady’s last ultrasound was at 20 weeks and a lot of brain issues do not show until third trimester. I had a very bad encounter with an ultrasound tech and a doctor at my 28 week ultrasound and of course it was covid time so Brian couldn’t even come back with me.
When we announced we were having our rainbow baby, I made a sign that said “here comes the sun”. I listened to the song often as it calmed me. During two of my visits while I was waiting for my doctor (who I adore) I heard this song playing from somewhere. How incredible! Maybe it was a ring tone on someone’s phone- I don’t know- I don’t care it was for me from Brady telling me breath mama all is ok.
The earliest doctors will induce without probable cause is a week. I swore up and down I was doing that before even starting these treatments-I was inducing as soon as it was safe, and I was allowed. Turns out logan was due 5/28, Brady’s birthday is 5/21. So, had I done that my beautiful boys would have shared a birthday. My doctor is amazing and scheduled me 5/22/21 (which was a Saturday) to avoid that but my boys had their own plan.
The sky the day we shared we were having our ‘Rainbow baby”.
Brady’s birthday is 5/21/19 and Logans birthday is 5/19/21. How wild is that!! I swear Logan and Brady planned this knowing how much I needed Logan in my arms by Brady’s second birthday.
The signs I receive the most come in the sky. Brady has sent me some amazing skies. If Logan was a girl there was a good possibility he would have been Skylar, and I honestly didn’t even put that together until right now.
Once we open ourselves up to the idea of “signs” they will be everywhere for us. It brings me great comfort knowing he’s still there and always will be. I love you Brady Boo keep sending those beautiful signs.
With love,
Brady’s mama