Self-Care=Self-love and trying to beat the mom guilt
With the holidays approaching I want to make sure everyone picks up their self-care game. Holidays in general can be a very stressful season, after a major loss, they are indescribably hard. (next blog will be all about grief and protecting yourself during the holiday season)
It took losing my precious baby for me to truly see the importance of self-care. When I needed to take care of myself most I didn’t know how and I felt so stuck and so guilty for absolutely everything. My Brady taught me it’s ok to take entire days for yourself and even a part of every single day to devote to YOU! Please do not feel guilty for taking time for yourself. It will make you a better person because you will be well rested and taken care of so you can give and take care of others so much better.
My boys, my heart, my world.
I felt so torn when Brady was alive. I had resentment toward my husband who got to leave everyday and go to work while I was “stuck” at home with a very medical complex baby no doctor could tell me much about who cried 90% of the time knowing nothing I would do would console him. My one-year-old was home with us 3 days a week and my oldest was in 4th grade. I wanted three kids; I wanted my two little close in age and it nearly killed me. (btw my husband is amazing and stayed up every other night with our baby and was my rock- I had resentment towards many those days and Brian and my mom got the brunt of it because you usually attack those closest to you.)
Best DAD ever
This man is my rock.
I had guilt when we finally found people (amazing people) who could handle Mr. Brady boo and I got to go to work a few hours a week. I felt guilty when I kept my other kids home from things because taking everyone out was too difficult. I would feel guilty if I just took out my older kids wondering how much time I had left with Brady. I felt guilty leaving Brian home with Brady or choosing to stay in and miss something so Brian could go, and we didn’t need to arrange a sitter. I felt guilty for sometimes hating that part of my life- still do. IT WAS ENDLESS.
My biggest baby and my littlest baby (at the time)
Trying to make the best out of our situation and make all my babies know how loved and special they are.
I now realize and believe me, it’s a work in progress, but if I know I will have specific me time I am so much more attentive during family time and productive during work time. I don’t care if the toys aren’t all put away or laundry goes unfolded so I can prioritize time for things that will bring me joy more than things I feel need to be done. Don’t get me wrong I still eventually pick up the toys, do the laundry (lie- I wait for Brian on this one- did I mention how wonderful he is) unload the dishwasher but I realize it doesn’t need to be done right now. If I can play with my kids or take my dog for a walk 90% of the time, I will choose that first. You will always make time for what must get done but making time to do what fills your heart with joy takes effort.
My two littles, at the time.
I encourage you to plan your week and carve out that time. I know for my personal well being and mental health, exercise and therapy are are my musts. I work out 5 times a week. I go to therapy twice a month. Those are “me” times that go onto my schedule first. Then I build my days around those. Of course, work, hockey practice appointments and life get in the mix but those are my two things I will not give up. If possible, especially this beautiful time of the year I will add in a walk with my dog and a good podcast- this is my FAVORITE self-care. (I love the Mel Robins podcast.) I fill this out on my schedule because getting to cross things off feels good and makes me feel accomplished and taking care of yourself is an accomplishment.
Did you know, just 10 minutes of walking can significantly improve your mood and lift your spirits? Bonus if you can add in some nature and greenery. Get a lunch hour- make you a priority and go for a walk. Regular walking modifies your nervous system so much that you’ll experience a decrease in anger and hostility. Daily waling increases metabolism, reduces blood pressure, reduces stress by reducing the stress hormone cortisol, improves your sleep and kickstarts your immune system. (https://www.prevention.com/fitness)
If walking isn’t your thing, find something you love. 9round is an excellent fitness center that works with most schedules as you can start every 3 minutes, always has a trainer on site and the best part, its 30 minutes and can kick your *ss! I’ve heard mixed things about kickboxing, apparently if you picture a person instead of a punching bag it can increase your feelings of anger/hate towards them so move with caution but do you! I also love Lean With Lilly, it’s an app but you can find Lily Sabri all over youtube.
LEAN with Lilly
This is the app, i LOVE it. It is the only workout I’ve been able to do at home. Started on youtube now this. Daily workouts put together so there is no thinking involved. Minimal equipment needed.
Other types of self-care I love are Epsom salt baths and a good book. Now if I want to get fancy, I’d light my favorite candle or bring in my diffusor but I’m not there yet- goals! I want to enjoy meditating and I think I finally found a way to make it happen. I get up at 5:30 (use to hate it, now I love it) and pop my air pods in. My phone charges across the room on do not disturb but I find my insight timer app and pick a 10-minute morning affirmation guided meditation. It’s a great way to start the day and set your intention. Now in a perfect world, I would then write 3 things I’m grateful for and this too is a goal of mine but mornings are busy and I like a cup of coffee before I get my kids up for school. Starting your day with positivity and setting your intention does wonders. Ask yourself: Who do I want to be today? What do I want to give today? What do I want to receive today? Every night before you go to bed think of the best thing that happened in your day, focus on it, feel the gratitude for it and thank the universe or God. This can be very difficult after a loss so give yourself time and be gentle with yourself. Like creates like so if you focus on gratitude and things you’re thankful for you create more of that.
Find a yoga class, join a bike club or ride your bike, take an art or cooking class, set a weekly coffee shop date with a friend or good book. Get a monthly massage, facial or pedicure. Do an at home spa day. READ and learn something new. Play music in the morning while you get ready or cook dinner instead of listening to the news. STOP WATCHING THE NEWS. There are endless possibilities you just must find something that fuels you and make it a priority in your routine.
I highly suggest giving up alcohol for 100 days. This helps you get your head fully clear. Forces you to deal with those yucky feelings instead of covering them up. 100 days gets you through some big events and lets you experience how life feels without it. You can always go back to drinking.
Turn your bedroom into your sanctuary. A place you truly want to be. Get soft luxurious sheets and change them often. ( https://a.co/d/21tEnHC these are my favorite from amazon) Paint it a calming relaxing color. Unclutter your room so when it’s time for bed you can unwind and relax. Get yourself a fancy notebook and pen and keep it on your nightstand ready for your dreams, wishes, goals and lists of things you’re grateful for.
Create your safe place and sanctuary.
This is not my bedroom, I wish i t was. I do have three different shades of black paint samples. Just trying to find the courage.
Set yourself up for success the night before by making sure your headphones are right where you need them for that morning meditation and have your workout clothes laid out next to the bed or in your bathroom, so you don’t need to second guess your routine. Bring full glass of water to bed with you so first thing when you wake up you start the day with some room temperature water.
Find your tribe. Community is so important. Find a support group for your specific loss or your specific goal. Social media is awful in so many ways but for finding groups it can be a wonderful resource. There is a group for literally EVERYTHING!
Self care won’t fix pain, heartache, or all your problems. Pain and grief cannot be fixed, but it can aide in the healing process. Self-care keeps us ready to face our problems because it keeps us out of flight or fight and helps keep us regulated. Taking care of yourself is crucial to enjoying life and coping with grief. We never move on, but we move forward taking our loved ones with us, honoring them every step of the way. What a beautiful gift to share with your angel.
Time to kick start your self-care so when the holiday’s arrive you are ready! And let go of the guilt, life is hard- You Are AMAZING.
XO, Mandy (Brady’s mama)